Oh Universe, it is coming up on six months that I left Vancouver for Toronto. Since then I have spent 80% of my time in bed. I have been on a chemical rollercoaster ride trying to break the soul-crushing insomnia I came home to Toronto and yes, I fell down the stairs.
The Health Drama
I took this photograph half an hour after I fell. I had heard two cracks and you can see the two lumps from me falling on top of my right foot.
I had hurt not only the top of my foot but both sides of the ankle and up the front and back of my leg. I could not get to my regular doctor so I went to the local clinic and the first time I was there he did not even look at my foot. He took an x-ray and said was not broken and sent me home.
Three weeks later it stopped improving. I went back and got a referral for physiotherapy. Sigh… The last physiotherapist told me I was wasting my time going to them for healing so I did not have a lot of hope. I had some medical coverage to cover the cost of going to a few appointments. I needed to be able to walk!
I did some research online and heard about Synergy Sports Medicine and Rehabilitation at 2017 Danforth Avenue, Unit 101 through a local Facebook group. I went in completely defeated and get this, less than 24 hours before I showed up I got laryngitis! It was like someone had throat punched me. I had to type up my whole sad pathetic story and give it to my physiotherapist Jesse Awenus trying so hard to be stoic and not to cry. It was the one time since all this fucked up stuff happened where I wanted to get through it without falling apart.
Through the treatment, which was absolutely excellent, I started to believe him that I could heal. I have had so many injuries as the result of how severe my fibromyalgia is that a lot of them impact me for years, if not indefinitely. I used what funds I had to go and he got me walking again. I have a long healing road to go and if I had all the money in the world I would go for treatment all the time for everything, it was so healing. But, that is not the case so I thought of something else I could do.
Healing Through Food
I started my foodie journey to help me heal spiritually and emotionally. Making food for others, in particular, makes me happy and gives me a sense of purpose. Baking is tricky because if I am unhappy, the results will not be as spectacular as they should be. I tried to bake cookies for my physiotherapist to say thank you and find a little closure.
I believe in food magic and therapy. I chose my Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies. The recipe was so old that when I printed it out it still had my blogspot address on it! I have been making them for Reg for so long that I felt confident I could make them and not screw it up. They are his favourite. Which made this all the more painful and challenging but important.
I did not listen to music or CBC As It Happens like I usually do when I made them. I sang a little to myself (I am like a bird that way) but mostly baked in silence. I decided this was the last time I would make them and wanted to give them the respect and dedication of time and energy that they deserved.
I could not personally eat them, it was too hard. Too many memories. I got my brother-in-law and his coworkers to taste test them and was assured they were very good. What a relief! In the end, I am glad I made them, gifted them to my healer and then let them go. I will not make them again but the recipe will always be available for you to make. I just can’t anymore…
A Moment Of Happiness
The night of my last physio appointment my sisters and I went out to celebrate my ability to walk again. I spontaneously took this photograph of myself. Usually, you will never see me without wearing sunglasses. It is because I was hiding all the sadness and pain I had been in over the last few years. I stopped making videos, stopped letting people see me because you know me, I can’t hide anything. I believe in living an authentic life. Hiding my anguish for so long took its toll. Yet that night I took this selfie and yes, I see how much I have gone through but I think there is a flicker of hope in my eyes too.
Every day I wake up I am surprised to still be here. Now I am looking forward to what the day will bring. What adventure I will take next. I always hated making the same cookies over and over again. Bring on new foodie ideas and challenges. I am ready for my new life.